Tonight as I was driving home from my friend’s house I drove on Randall past your house. I was looking at the apartments nearby, thinking about if they had any cheap ones, and I realized how close I would be to you, and then it made my mind go crazy..

I started remembering so many things from our relationship, things I didn’t even realize that I remembered. In that moment they were making me sick to think about, but it almost felt good, so I tried to think of more. The rest of the drive home was images of us from when I used to work with you at the coffee shop to when I came home and visited you from school to when we went on an adventure in the forest together to when we went sledding to when we used to smoke and eat tuna spaghetti together to when we would lay and look at each other and make mouse noises to when you would make fun of the way that I consistently used ‘interesting’ to when you would stick out your lower lip and ask to watch more ‘venture brothers’ to when we watched that scary movie in theaters and you slept over because neither of us could sleep, to when we would drive out to pouley rd and lay on the car hood and look at the stars to when we went camping together to when we drove to missouri at three in the morning to when we were there and fishing and swimming and tanning together to when we went to parties together to when we got the super soaker backpacks and played with those… and then to your sisters wedding…which was really the beginning of the true end to us.

I had no idea I remembered all these things and more, and I could literally see it all again, just as I had lived it. Your eyes, your pout, your smiiiilleee, your laugh, the way you looked when you made fun of me. Everything about you.

We haven’t spoken in seven months.

I don’t know if it is the time of the year, my state of mind, my perpetual loneliness… or my thoughts of the future and what I shall do with it, but I am thinking about you again quite frequently.

I really don’t mean to and it bothers me a lot, I just want to stop, but I think until I have someone else to place these feelings on, they are always going to land on you.

I was thinking today about the last time that we talked/hung out and went to get coffee.. we had a perfect time. We caught up, we laughed, we shared stories, we gave and took advice, we smiled, we were genuine friends again… it was like it always had been… this is months ago now and all of a sudden I remember from that day that you told me that I should visit you during the school year this year… I can’t stop thinking about that. You said I’d have a place if I wanted to come, you didn’t say anything about a couch, but thats pretty obvious thats where I’d be sleeping, but I asked if it would bother your roomates and you said of course not they’d barely notice me, but nonetheless even if you did mean a couch… I’m just soo fucking confused on why that came out of your mouth.

YOU said I should visit. It wasn’t even that I was saying I would love to see the house, you just straight up said I should visit and I want to forget that you told me it but it is something my brain keeps holding on to and reminding me of.

just lemme go. okay?

I had a rather unsettling dream the other night. It was so unsettling because every bit of it felt so real… everything I touched, smelled, every emotion that I felt… It was all as real as a memory of something I’ve actually done.

I was lying in bed..watching netflix(which is the way I fell asleep that night) and I was texting you. You were just casually talking to me but then suddenly things got a bit more… important, you needed me for some reason, it was urgent and I couldn’t be there for you. You ended the conversation with a ‘k’… something I always hated. The next morning in the dream I awake to a 6 page text from you, the screen seeming to load faster than I can read it, and every bit is just as unsettling as the last. You’re pushing on these parts of me you shouldn’t be, asking what’s been on between us, why we never talk anymore, why we went from being good friends, to best friends, to lovers, to best friends again, and then gradually to a nonexistent part of each others lives. You ask if I still care about you and if you should even bother trying anymore… and as I’m reading the text I wake up.

My phone is empty, no messages from you, or anyone. I don’t know why I was so hopeful that it was real…

Our dreams are our subconscious reanimated into something different, yet those texts you ‘sent me’ are the exact questions I ask myself sometimes..but still…why couldn’t it be real?

sometimes I think we ruined each other.. I think that we meant so much to each other that meeting new people seems so boring.. I think that I’ve become so uninterested in everything else because no one is as interesting as you were. I think maybe we ruined our chance to be happy by simply being together, because we will not end up together. Or maybe you just ruined me.

I don’t really need this space anymore… this place for my words. I’m thinking of getting rid of it, but I do wonder if you still think about me…

I really wish I could put in words the way my heart feels right now. Its literally lower than my stomach and tied off from the rest of my body…

or something like that.

What is it that they say about people?

If two past lovers can remain friends then its either that they are still in love or they never were?

What does it mean then that you and I have drifted so far apart? Why is it that when we took that break that it just never ended and that you lost touch with me? Why is it that you cried when I told you that we should try just being friends for a while, when I was really saying I wanted to be closer to you again?

If two past lovers can’t remain friends then its either that they were never in love or their love is so strong that it will persevere through everything, it will permeate their lives and infect them so that even when they are not together, they will always miss and love the other, even if they are too strong or stubborn to admit it?

Nah. Thats probably bullshit.

I was never someone who got anxiety attacks. Sure, things bothered me and I dwelled on them and kept me nervous and at night some things kept me awake, but before you I never had anxiety attacks.

Nowadays I get them pretty frequently, and honestly its always when its something that makes me think of you. Every time something comes up that reminds me of you I get these huge, awful, long-lasting anxiety attacks.

Today at work someone was wearing the same scent that you used to wear…the same scent that used to make my heart skip a beat, my senses sharpen, and my inhibitions weaken….that same scent sent me into deep anxiety and hopelessness…

…hopeless that the best days are behind me, that you will never again find me.

Is it stupid of me to still care about you? I feel like no matter what I still think about you every day. Its been a long time now and I think that it should be a lot easier to get through the day without you slipping in once or twice. Worse yet, thinking about trying to date again just makes me anxious and angry. I’m stuck here at home and there is no end to that in sight, it just makes me sad and makes me long for the past, long for the time when I had my own place and the freedom to see you.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I long to feel happy, like genuine, full on, no worries happiness. You helped that a lot, but I know I can get there without you again, its just hard thinking of another way.